The "UGLY" Truth......

The word is "UGLY" and it is written in red paint. I remember almost grinning as I gave the response to my counselor. She had given me an exercise. I was to close my eyes and picture a chalkboard. She had told me to write the first word that popped into my head and so I did. Not surprising to me that I didn't pick up a piece of chalk or that I had used paint. I have always been an out-of-the-box personality, I am creative and unique and so it seemed normal that I chose paint. Of course my counselor dove deeper into the whys of my using paint and I responded with the whole I am artistic response but somehow the image of the wet, dripping letters in that word stuck with me. UGLY!!!!

I always saw myself as ugly. It was programmed into me at such a young age that it was part of me like my own skin. To the outside world I may have seemed the opposite. Some would even have used the word pretty to describe me, but inside I knew I was ugly. I mingled around high school as part of a popular crowd, homecoming court, varsity athlete, dates & parties were a part of my world. What people couldn't see was my true world. Abuse at home and my mother's illness had heaved me into a land of insecurity and self destruction. After her death my slow decent into sin seemed normal. But over time I found myself teetering between this new found love of God and this deep rooted hate of myself. It had manifested over the years in self abuse and mostly in my eating disorder. So I now found myself seeking spiritual guidance and help to overcome.


Months later as I stood singing worship music in my church I heard a strong voice.

"It isn't red paint!!"

I found myself looking behind me and next to me. I looked at my husband to see if he had heard it, but no!

"It isn't red paint."

Now He had caught my attention!

"It is the blood of Jesus and it alone has covered the ugly!"

I was elated! Caught up in the spirit of God and wanting to share it with all! His precious blood can, will and still does cover our "uglies" without questions, doubts or having to prove myself. He simply shows up when I call out and covers it all! I had a lot of uglies and feared no amount of prayer could help a lost and wretched soul like me but here He was, My Father, Our God, showing up and talking to me just like He had saints of the past!

Remember what you said to me, your servant—
I hang on to these words for dear life!
These words hold me up in bad times;
yes, your promises rejuvenate me. Psalms 49


I guess now is the point in my story where I expect you want me to tell you how changed my life has become. It has changed, but one thing is constant. Everyday I have to fight the UGLY, everyday I still have a hard time looking in a mirror. Everyday I still hear the voices of my past harboring their hatefulness. Everyday I fight a fight against the "flesh" and have to seek refuge in God and His truth. Notice I used a verb there, seek, I must pursue, I must take the steps, I must run after God with a passion like none other. Otherwise there is this crazy entity called satan, a measly, horrible little creature who longs for me to see the UGLY and believe it! All my life he has been in pursuit of me. I hate to be the bearer of bad news here but he is always on the prowl for YOU also. And the closer you get to God the more he pants and rants and looks for your weakness.



I will share more at a later date of the ways God has helped me recognize the assault. But for today I leave you with one thought.

What is the first word you would "write" on the chalkboard?
Whatever your word is drench it in prayer. See how it can take on new meaning in the light of Gods love.

Mine was UGLY

U-Understand G-God- L-Loves- Y-You

I understand now more then I ever thought possible!



“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:11 NIV

Be Blessed!!